Why Sunflowers Scare Me - edited

Has God ever placed something on your heart and you tried to ignore it, doesn't work does it? Next thing you know, you are unable to sleep unable to eat, everytime it's quiet there is that thought from God again. You're doing the dishes and suddenly crying because God is convicting you. See, we can run but we can't hide from our soverign and loving Lord. I should know because I have tried many many times unfortunatley, as a matter of fact, I tried this past month. Recently I have sensed the Lord's direction to explore a certain memory and learn it's life lesson, I didn't want to because it brought up some memories that I would rather keep very hidden. So I dogded it, or at least tried to. Every time I turned around, there it was! I wasn't sleeping good, my mood was affected. Finally, the Lord got my attention and I listened and yes it hurt and it caused pain and tears but then it was freeing and so much peace. That's when I heard the still small voice telling me to write about it. Umm, please no, please don't ask me to do that! Anything but that! You see,  writing about it will open me up to criticism and it's my memory, what if I don't want to share this memory. I firmly believe that the Lord gives us each our own memories in life, some are to remain private and others are meant to be shared, to help others and to help yourself. That doesn't mean that I wanted to share this one, I'm afraid of what people may say or think but in the end it only matters what the Lord wants me to do and what He thinks. So after my inward battle, I'm going to share this with you in hopes that it reaches into the heart{s} that the Lord intended. As a fair warning, this is a long post. Anyone who knows me well knows that I am terrified of sunflowers, terrified!! I have a very active imagination, even more so as a child, which made this memory even more terrifying.When I was a young girl we lived in a small town seperated, by distance,  from most family except my grandparents. Every month or so we would be dropped off at their house (still 45miniutes away) for the weekend while my parents enjoyed some kid-free time. My grandpa and I were very close, next to my daddy my grandpa was my hero. He would have me crawl into his lap and we'd enjoy a snack of kumquats and orange slices. My grandma would yell at him for giving me sugar but grandpa would sneak me some anyway.He would let me sit in his lap for hours if I wanted to. He would tell me such colorful and glorious stories of his life overseas in Singapore and the Philipines. I worshiped him only as a granddaughter can worship her grandpa. He had lots of land and loved to garden, he also loved to drive us all around his land in his tractor. Then he would load us up and take us into town to show us off to all of his friends. The point here is, my grandpa could do no wrong in my book, ever. On this particular weekend we were at their house when I discovered a patch of sunflowers, I don't remember if it was on their land or a neighboring farmland, but I do remember getting lost in this patch of flowers. I couldn't find my way out and suddenly, in my imaginative mind, these sunflowers grew ugly mean faces and were laughing at me. I just wanted to be back in the safe arms of my grandpa. To this day I despise sunflowers.But it wasn't the flower that held the bad memory for me like I thought, it was the fear of being seperated from the man I held in such high esteem. As the years went on that esteem for my grandpa only grew stronger. When I was a teenager my grandpa would make me sit in his lap still and over orange slices he would tell me "Heather, you know where you stand in God before you ever step foot out that front door!" and he would point to their front door (he now lived several hundreds of miles away from me). To this day I can see his blue recliner and see the passion on his face as he told me this. Every single time I saw him he told me the same thing. As a teenager, I didn't pay that much attention to it but it has stuck with me all these years. In 1999 I went to his nursing home, he was dying, I went to say my good byes. He was too weak to feed himself, so I did and I sat there, watching this great man in my life slowly slip away. After I had been there awhile he fell asleep and I ran out of that nursing home and drove and drove and drove. Not much longer after that visit my grandpa went to be with the Lord. Fast forward to 2 years ago when our family was rocked to its core, the Lord brought us through some pretty insanly hard times in several different aspects of life (that's another blogpost of another time). During this time I felt that I was back in the patch of Sunflowers, I was lost amongst these ugly flowers and didn't know where to turn. I tried to turn to my grandpa but he had been with the Lord  for over 10 years and I wasn't finding comfort in hismemories. I was not able to run to my dad, I tried to run to my husband but he was also learning what to do and he wasn't able to offer me what I so desperately needed, security. Sunflowers kept obscuring my path and I couldn't see my way out. That's when it happened, I was forced to look up and I saw bright blue sky. All around me was obscured by sunflowers, everywhere I turned was the wrong way. The Lord brought me to a point in my life where all I could do was to look up. The Lord showed me that He is all I needed and He was the only One that offered what I desperately sought, security. My security wasn't found in my grandpa and it wasn't found in my dad and it wasn't found in my husband and it wasn't found in my friends, it was found in the loving and ever open arms of my Lord and Saviour. Even though there were so many things going on in my life and it seemed, at the time, that life would never be the same again the Lord used that to bring me to Him. He showed me not to put my life into the hands of men because they will fail but to put my life into the hands of the mighty Lord. Another special lesson He taught me was to not fear the sunflowers. See, that day that I got lost in the Sunflowers, I followed the voice of my grandpa and found my way out. 2 years ago when it seemed like the Sunflowers were choking the life out of me the Lord directed me through it, the only way He alone can do. Please let him lead you too."Come to Me, all who are weary and heavy-laden, and I will give you rest. Take My yoke upon you and learn from Me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, you you will find rest for your souls. For My yoke is easy and My burden is light." Matthew 11:28"The Lord is my Shepherd, I shall not want. He makes me lie down in green pastures; He leads me beside quiet waters. He restores my soul; He guides me in the paths of righteousness for His name's sake. Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I fear no evil, for You are with me; Your rod and Your staff, they comfort me. You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies; You have annointed my head with oil; my cup overflows. Surey goodness and lovingkindness will follow me all the days of my life, and I will dwell in the house of the Lord forever." Psalms 23

The Grocery Store Adventure

This is where my life has brought me! Not once during my childhood dreams did I ever imagine that my life would be here, but I love every moment of it!!!

Normally I loathe going grocery shopping. It's a chore I would gladly hire out. In fact, I prefer scrubbing toilets over grocery shopping and would love for someone to just show up at my front door with groceries so that I wouldn't have to go out and get them myself. My hubby likes to help me but has had a work/school schedule from . . . (well, you know). So now I'm not only grocery shopping, but cleaning up messes that Caden makes, telling Reghan NO for the 100th time and she cannot have that new Barbie or the new cool My Little Pony. Now I'm also trying to control Caden's screams as he shouts out how hungry he is.

To be honest,I have to make sure that no perishable foods make it into his reach because we have dug cheese out of his mouth and gone to the check out with a half eaten block of mozzarella cheese more than once.

I used to judge those parents that would allow their kids to eat the food before purchasing it but now I am THAT mom -- anything to get the screams to stop! The first time I tore a bag of gummies open for him, Reghan's eyes grew huge and she whispered to me "mommy is that stealing?" I told her that Mama would pay for it when we left, so it technically wasn't stealing. Plus it was saving mommy from running crazily around the store.

To make matters even worse, our financial situation is not the greatest at this moment in time, which makes grocery shopping even that more stressful. Lastly, I was recently diagnosed with several different ailments -- some of which are hereditary, so we're trying to make better choices so that Reghan has a better chance of fighting them when she's older. In order to do that though, we need to eat more naturally . . . which is also more expensive!

I really am getting to a point and here it is: Grocery shopping can be fun. Tonight we geared up and I checked the ads of my favorite stores and as we bundled up, I tried to prepare myself. I was determined to have a good time with my family and that I would not allow our financial situation to dictate my attitude around my kids or at the stores. What kind of witness would I be if I'm being mean and snappy to those around me just because I am stressed out? On many, many, MANY occassions the Lord has proven that He is Jehovah-Jireh, My Provider.

So, we arrived at our first location and they were having a huge sale. Most of their fresh fruits and vegetables were marked .88/lb and their hormone free chicken breast was marked at 1.77/lb!!! Praise the Lord! We loaded back up into the car and went next to my favorite location (my favorite because they walk you out to your car and load your groceries for you - love it!) and found ground beef marked down and a package of thin cut steaks marked way down! They also had other fresh produce and sales that allowed us to walk out with a lot of food for very little pay. Lastly we went to the big chain store and got our NYE menu and a few fun things. At the end of the day we were able to stock our fridge and freezer with a lot of fresh foods for very little money.

Even on bad days, I need to praise the Lord for His provisions (something I'm still learning) but today was a good day in the grocery store world and I praise the Lord for directing us to those locations.

This may seem petty and silly to some, but to me this is huge! It was just yet another example of how powerful and amazing our Lord and Savior is. He is not just the God of the big stuff but also of the "little" stuff. So, no I never dreamed I would be at this point in life but I praise the Lord that I am here and I am able to witness the love and provision of my God -- even at the grocery store.

I have toyed with the idea of creating a blog for several years now (this one was created in 2009) but have always fallen prey to the fear monster. So, after a lot of prayer, some encouragement from my husband and a needed outlet for all my many thoughts and emotions, I have decided to start blogging...again!
Maybe it's an early 2014 New Year's resolution or it could be related to the fact that I finally feel stable enough but the writing bug has hit me. My family (immediate and distant) have been taken through a whole swarm of things these past 2 years, some pretty but some quite ugly. The Lord has taught me many many lessons and is continuining to teach me, even to this day, this very moment even.

Throughout my life I have found that writing helps me clear my head and heart. Writing has been theraputic for me. So, my hope and prayer for this blog is to write down the lessons I have learned and seek help for the lessons that I am still learning. Also, the Lord has rekindled a fire inside of me that I thought had been extinguised years ago. With this rekindling, I'm working on a secret project and will occassionally conduct research through this blog...ya'll will be my research assistants. Thank you for stopping in and I hope to have more posts up soon.